@Kryzazy

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

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@Shen_the_Bird

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

@Shariv67

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

@prodigal_bran

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

@rickolantern

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

@IfIwassomething

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

@TheSadnesses

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

@desusnice

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

@scot7a

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

@nihilist_arbys

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap