Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
🤭😂
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster