Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

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her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam


Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.


My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.


*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes


When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.


“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.


someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really


I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks


Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap