@Shen_the_Bird her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
@Kryzazy Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
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@Shen_the_Bird 
@Shariv67 Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
@prodigal_bran My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
@rickolantern *stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
@dumbbeezie Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
@IfIwassomething When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
@TheSadnesses [elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
@desusnice someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
@scot7a I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
@nihilist_arbys Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap