Only short people can save us
You Might Also Like
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful