ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders