Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
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I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Taliband
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I can’t stop watching this.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.