Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut