only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
every. time.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
🤣😂🤣
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*