“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
When I laugh on my period
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Same pineapple, same