Ooh I do like a good funnel
You Might Also Like
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Finally, an explanation.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.