“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Breaking news:
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.