@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

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@dumbbeezie

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

@clichedout

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

@ACartoonCat

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

@RocketRankoon

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently