“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
You Might Also Like
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”