Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on