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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.