Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT


I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”


*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?



Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.


Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…


Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.


My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”


Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.