Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice


Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.


Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack


Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.


Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.


[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it


The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.


Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.


[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5


Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.