@RickAaron

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

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@FormerHumorist

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

@iinkedZombie

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

@ThisOneSayz

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

@PhilJamesson

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

@djdarrellripley

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

@DoufSaid

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

@HomeWithPeanut

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

@uccjeb

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.