Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Found my door mat
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.