Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*