“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Trains are just sideway elevators.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.