“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.