*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834