OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
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Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”