“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
peep davidson
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
my first day as a raccoon
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
this is so top tier i cant
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Accurate
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?