Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
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There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Weighing up my bread heating options
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”