Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
every olympics i turn into this guy
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
