Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
yall want some gasoline milk
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.