@bananagrvyrd

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

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@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@MomofTeen

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

@Not_From_Troy

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

@ICantEven001

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

@nnnatchos

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

@robfee

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

@CulturedRuffian

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.