@Holy_Mowgli ~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
@bananagrvyrd Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
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@Holy_Mowgli 
@BeagirlNJ {bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
@MomofTeen It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
@Not_From_Troy UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
@ICantEven001 Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
@nnnatchos My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
@robfee Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
@iLikeCatShirts It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
@TheTimmyToes *tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
@CulturedRuffian Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.