Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Goodnight 🐶
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
How I like cutting carbs
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books