@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

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@bridger_w

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

@PJTLynch

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

@sixfootcandy

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

@Dad_At_Law

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

@squirrel74wkgn

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

@T_N_Crumpets

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*