opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
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100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Canadian owl: Eh?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.