“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
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one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly