Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
every. time.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards