Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
it’s the silliest best thing
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.