opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain