[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
wait.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.