[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
The pen is writier than the sword.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.