[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.