[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’