*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude