[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES