opening twitter today
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
How high do the levels go?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Love this guy
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money