Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

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Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.


My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.


surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what


My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.


Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.


Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken


BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.


People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.


My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.