Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
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My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“How’s your day going?”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood