*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
You Might Also Like
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Monday Lisa
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly