[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
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Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’d use my best pan on you.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!