*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
You Might Also Like
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
shut up and take my money
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.