*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Just me and my debit card against the world
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me sliding into hell like
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?