*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Thanks to a fan for this one.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING