(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season