*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
So true for me
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.