*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
#Caturday
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming