[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
You Might Also Like
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.