*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
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[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
LMAO
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝