[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you