*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.