*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
same bro
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?